WRITTEN BY JACKIE BEAT | Hello. To quote the opening line of the Rolling Stones’ classic Sympathy for the Devil, “Please allow me to introduce myself…” I am drop-dead gorgeous, larger-than-life, world-famous drag superstar Jackie Beat. And I know what you’re thinking (I’m also psychic!): “Jackie, do world-famous superstars really need to introduce themselves?” to which I would simply respond with an exasperated, “How dare you!?”
Full disclosure: I am not an actual therapist, but I do play one on TV. On the off chance you are one of the handful of unfortunate individuals who may not be familiar, I am the creator, writer, and star of the wildly-popular series Dr. Jackie: Unlicensed Psychotherapist on OUTtv. And please don’t ask me how to watch it or how to subscribe to OUTtv – I can barely manage to change the channel on my own TV without occasionally opening the garage door by mistake. But no one – and I mean no one – can write a better song parody about kooky-yet-erotic shenanigans with a well-endowed “straight” gentleman. Hey, that skill bought me a house – in the worst part of town – but I digress…
So in this, my very first column, I will try to help those struggling with various problems. Think of me as a modern-day Dear Abby or Ann Landers – who were not only competing advice columnists back in the day, but also sisters. I mean, would you really trust any advice given to you by someone who would shamelessly rip off their own sibling’s syndicated column? Or from someone who would allow their sibling to shamelessly rip off their syndicated column? No. Clearly, both of them should take a break from their respective columns, the original and the rip-off, to get some much-needed counseling themselves. But, plot twist, they’re both dead now so this is all a moot point. But again, I digress…
Let’s get to the sad and confused people desperately in need of help and my inappropriate solutions, shall we?
Dear Dr. Jackie,
I have what I think may be a fairly common problem for someone who works with a lot of other people in an office: One of my co-workers keeps eating my Greek yogurt, despite the fact that it is always clearly marked with my name. I have no idea who is doing this and, as you can imagine, it is very frustrating when I open that communal fridge in the break room every day to discover my yogurt is once again missing. What should I do?
Fruit On The Bottom / Modesto, CA
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Dear Bottom,
Yes, this is in fact a very common problem. If I had a dollar for every letter I’ve received asking for help regarding this particular situation, I would be rich and I wouldn’t have to pretend to be a doctor and write this stupid column. But alas, such is not the case, so sit down, get comfortable, and prepare for some great advice!
You really only have two options here. The first is to step back and count your blessings. Not only are you the kind of person who plans ahead for that midday blood sugar slump that always seems to accompany a crappy job one hates, but you are also an honest person who clearly views theft – even of a relatively inexpensive single serving dairy product – to be an unacceptable and infuriating injustice. Keeping this in mind, you can thank the mythical God of your choice that you are a good person and not a repugnant, entitled low-life scumbag like the unknown culprit continually pilfering your creamy snacks. You might allow this realization to nourish you like no mere yogurt ever could. Perhaps you may even think about bringing two yogurts to work, one for yourself and one as a generous and graceful offering to your morally-deficient coworker with sticky fingers. But chances are, this privileged pig will simply scarf down both yogurts.
The second option is to very carefully remove the foil seal on a yogurt and add a large dose of unflavored laxative – not just double or triple the suggested daily dose listed on the package – but rather, the entire contents of said package. Stir well, replace the foil “safety” seal, put it front and center inside the fridge with your name on it and then just sit back and wait. Not only will you eventually learn who has been stealing from you, but you will hopefully humiliate that person into never doing it again. Trust me, having uncontrollable explosive diarrhea in public is a very effective life lesson. Without going into too much detail, let me just say that I know this from personal experience. Let me also add that soiled pantyhose should simply be removed, wrapped in paper towels and discreetly discarded in the ladies room wastebasket, not painstakingly rinsed out just to try and save a few bucks.
So, the choice is yours. Good luck!
Dear Dr. Jackie,
I don’t really need advice, I was just wondering if you knew how beautiful you are?
No Restraining Order Can Stop Me / Hollywood, CA
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Dear Stop Me,
Yes, as a matter of fact, I do! But it’s always nice to hear it from others. Thank you. And I really hope you’ll say hello at one of my upcoming personal appearances. Don’t be shy!
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Dear Dr. Jackie,
I love movies and go to my local multiplex several times a week. I prefer watching films on the big screen with a giant tub of popcorn and a large soda as opposed to streaming them on my TV, laptop, or phone at home. I guess I’m just old-fashioned that way. Until recently, my only problem was the occasional Chatty Cathy in the theater – annoyingly commenting to their friend next to them throughout the movie. But now, I also have to deal with people on their smartphones. Not just texting, but actually shopping online and playing video games with the brightness set to high! How do I effectively deal with these rude audience members without it resulting in a lawsuit or prison sentence?
Film Freak / Toledo, OH
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Dear Freak,
Well, I must say that last sentence certainly limits the kind of advice I can offer you. If you’re unwilling to be sued or incarcerated for your beliefs, there are very few valid options. But I will do my very best to help you within the ridiculous constraints you have placed on me.
I think the best advice I can give you is this: Get over it. Now I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear, but if you are unwilling to get into a physical altercation with someone who is infringing on your movie-watching enjoyment, then that’s your only option. It’s 2025 and, spoiler alert, people are addicted to their phones. They also have absolutely no attention span and feel the need to multitask. In turn, they think it’s totally acceptable to shop online for the latest Labubus or play Royal Match – all while Timothée Chalamet flutters his ridiculously-long eyelashes in a blatant attempt to be nominated for yet another Academy Award. Sadly, that is the world we live in. So unless you’re a gorgeous, young, sexually attractive person who can snag themselves an obscenely rich, lonely old geezer willing to marry you and build you a private screening room in your house (and I’m assuming you’re not because, by your own admission, you go to the movies alone several times a week to chow down on salty butter-covered carbs and guzzle carbonated sugar water), like I said, my advice to you is: Get over it.
Are you familiar with the phrase “Live and let live?” How about “Mind your own bee’s wax?” They both mean “Just keep your eyes on the movie screen and don’t worry about what the other audience members are doing!” Don’t be a Karen. I was at a recent showing of Mamma Mia 3: Abba Dabba Doo and right at the pivotal moment when Meryl Streep steps out of the time machine to meet The Flintstones, some insensitive clod in the audience began a conference call on speaker phone. Was I annoyed? Of course! Did I cause a scene? Hell no! I simply accepted the reality that I had no control over the situation so I died a little inside, stuffed down those feelings with the help of an entire box of Milk Duds, and did my best to read Meryl’s lips as she flirted with Barney Rubble. In short, I got over it.
I could go on, but I’m typing this while watching Schindler’s List at a revival house and a few people are giving me the stink-eye and even yelling at me. I really hope the person who just threw a soft pretzel at the back of my head reads this later and learns a valuable lesson on how to behave properly at a movie theater. Listen, if I can help even one person, it’s all worth it.
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ABOUT JACKIE BEAT | Drag superstar JACKIE BEAT has been entertaining audiences across the world for over 35 years with her hysterical song parodies of classic and contemporary pop songs. She has appeared on Sex and the City and in several movies including Flawless with Robert DeNiro. Jackie is lead singer of the popular electro-rock band Dirty Sanchez. Aa a proud Writers Guild member, she’s worked on The WB sketch comedy show Hype!, E Entertainment TV’s Fashion Police, The HuluWeen Dragstravaganza, and her very own series for OUTtv, Dr. Jackie: Unlicensed Psychotherapist. Jackie is also a writer/producer on the upcoming Tubi original adult animated series BREAKING BEAR starring Brendan Fraser, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Annie Murphy, Elizabeth Hurley and Josh Gad. For the Store page of her website, click here.
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